The Radish River Caper Read online

  He said next week I am replacing that crepe-hanging bastard with a goddam witch doctor.

  Before we went out Suicide Lewisite said be careful when we step into the open.

  He said in Radish River they take their football very seriously.

  He said one of these crackpots brought a squirrel rifle to the opener.

  He said he gunned down twenty-two flying footballs before we could get the sonofabitch arrested.

  When the crowd saw Suicide Lewisite a great roar went up.

  Cantaloupes and tomatoes and aged eggs flew from every direction.

  Some people gnashed their teeth and others tore their hair and a great many frothed at the mouth and all of them cursed horribly.

  I heard any number of comments regarding the morals of Suicide Lewisite’s mother.

  There were those in attendance who offered Suicide Lewisite advice on how to conduct his sex life.

  The preponderance of this advice had to do with geese.

  Galloping geese.

  Suicide Lewisite ducked a tomahawk that embedded itself in a goalpost.

  He ducked a copy of An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations.

  By Adam Smith.

  He ducked an old washing machine motor which someone had neglected to remove from the old washing machine.

  He ducked an enormous white-leather Bible with gilt-edged pages and a gold cross on its front.

  He said if you think this is something just stick around for the Annual Radish River Roman Chariot Race which is to be held at halftime of next week’s game with the Sycamore Center Ridgelings.

  I said how does it work?

  Suicide Lewisite said it doesn’t.

  He said the event is open to any nutty local businessman who can scrounge up a busted-down horse and a makeshift chariot and a bed sheet.

  He said last year there was a high wind and three chariot drivers got their sheets blown off.

  He said they got arrested for indecent exposure and two of them came down with pneumonia and one of them damn near died and all three of them lost the race and it seems there must be better ways to spend one’s time.

  He said just the thought of such foolishness makes me want to commit suicide.

  He said by comparison even football makes sense.

  12

  …it costs two cents to grow a head of lettuce and a quarter to get it picked and fifty cents to ship it and a man would starve to death on it in a week…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Zanzibar McStrangle stood near the Radish River bench.

  He munched a head of lettuce.

  He surveyed the scene with the impassivity of the seasoned professional.

  He was probably no taller than five-three but he must have weighed close to five hundred pounds.

  He had a dark pugnacious face and quick beady eyes and great hairy hands.

  In his Radish River football uniform of Lombardy lavender and peachy cream he was indeed a sight to behold.

  Suicide Lewisite assembled his squad and announced that Zanzibar McStrangle would play tackle on defense and that he would operate as number-one running back on offense.

  The Cranberry Creek Gobblers won the coin-toss and elected to receive.

  They returned the kickoff to the fifty.

  Their first play from scrimmage went right up the middle.

  Zanzibar McStrangle seized a Cranberry Creek lineman.

  He held him high in the air with one hand.

  He brought him down on the unfortunate Cranberry Creek ball carrier with a resounding thud that drove the poor bastard six inches into the turf.

  The Radish River fans went wild with joy.

  Suicide Lewisite was grinning from ear to ear.

  The Cranberry Creek Gobblers decided to pass.

  Their quarterback dropped into the pocket and looked for a receiver.

  Zanzibar McStrangle rumbled into the Cranberry Creek backfield like a bulldozer into an anthill.

  The quarterback retreated.

  Zanzibar McStrangle caught him in the parking lot across the street.

  He was attempting to stuff the hysterical athlete into the gas tank of a Radish River school bus when Suicide Lewisite arrived in the nick of time with a case of bananas.

  At the close of the first half Radish River led Cranberry Creek 359-0.

  The night had been blown to smithereens by an incessant scoreboard barrage of aerial bombs.

  359-0 proved to be the final score.

  The Cranberry Creek Gobblers failed to return for the second half kickoff.

  I heard later that a few had entered monasteries and that the remainder had bought guitars to become wandering minstrels.

  The Radish River fans held a torchlight parade that went on until three o’clock Sunday afternoon.

  In Radish River they take their football very seriously.

  13

  …there is only three creatures what laughs…loons and hyenas and humans…of these loons is the least offensive…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Brandy Alexander sat naked and cross-legged on the bed with her chin cupped in the palm of one hand.

  She had been studying me for some time.

  At last she shook her head.

  She said Purdue why is it I never tire of you?

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said oooooh wow!

  She said encore encore encore!

  I said baby if you get an encore it’ll be with mirrors.

  Brandy said not sex Purdue.

  She said the shrug.

  She said shrug for me.

  I said I just did.

  Brandy said I mean again.

  I said aw come on Brandy.

  I said any damn fool can shrug.

  Brandy said yes but not like you Purdue.

  She said please?

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said oh my God that just drives me nuts!

  She said it’s so damned sexy!

  She threw herself on top of me.

  She put her lips close to mine.

  She said one more time Purdue.

  I said Brandy one of us is crazy and I got a hunch it doesn’t stop there.

  I dozed off to the sound of Brandy’s musical laughter.

  It was a nice sound to doze off to.

  14

  …Don Quixote was a guy what went around pretending he was something he wasn’t…started an irreversible trend…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Sunday morning across the table from an unclothed Brandy Alexander is an experience not easily dismissed.

  My coffee had gone stone cold before I remembered I had it.

  Brandy wrinkled her flawless nose at me.

  She said is something wrong?

  I said not that I can think of.

  Brandy said then what are you staring at?

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said whatever it is it must be mighty damned interesting.

  She said your eyes are crossed.

  I said well in the first place it isn’t an it.

  I said it’s a them.

  I said and in the second place I didn’t start it.

  I said they stared at me first.

  Brandy said shall I put on a brassiere?

  I said I didn’t say that.

  Brandy lit two cigarettes and handed one to me.

  She said Purdue I suppose you’re looking for answers.

  I chuckled.

  I said well by God Brandy I simply can’t imagine what the hell ever gave you that idea.

  I said all that’s happening is you’re galloping around impersonating the widow of Don Quixote and making screwball telephone calls and buying football teams ten miles from where Christ lost his moccasins and dragging me into hick towns to pose as what I ain’t in order that I can do something I don’t have the slightest goddam idea how to do so why should I want answers?

  Brandy shook her head and sighed.

  She
pushed her coffee cup to one side.

  She folded her arms on the table.

  She leaned forward and looked at me intently.

  She said Purdue I adopted the role of Hepzibah Dodd when I realized that I was being followed and that my office and apartment telephones were tapped.

  She said somebody knows that I’m onto something important.

  She said Hepzibah Dodd gave me freedom of movement and pay telephones provided me with a certain amount of privacy.

  She said the CIA arranged my temporary possession of an apartment above the Fall Out Inn.

  She said I occupied it as Hepzibah Dodd and I contacted you as Mrs. Jonesberry.

  I said why didn’t you just call and say you wanted to see me?

  I said the phone at Wallace’s Tavern isn’t bugged.

  Brandy said I wanted to test my disguise.

  She said I figured that if a man who knew every inch of me couldn’t crack it no one could.

  I said where does the CIA come in?

  Brandy said the CIA is picking up the tab for the entire operation.

  She said the football team and this house and both of our paychecks.

  She said I brought you down here on a couple of ridiculous pretexts and here we are in Radish River with ideal cover for our activities.

  She said I’m an eccentric old bat who bought a minor league football team for a plaything and you’re the guy she hired as her legman.

  I said where did Hepzibah Dodd sit at the game last night?

  Brandy said in the east end-zone seats.

  She said near the locker room doors.

  I said did she throw that copy of An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations?

  I said by Adam Smith?

  Brandy said yes it was an excellent opportunity to get rid of the damned thing.

  She said it’s been a valuable prop but Hepzibah was tired of carrying it around.

  She said besides the fans just loved it.

  I said okay so now we’re in Radish River fooling everybody.

  I said especially me.

  I said why?

  Brandy said I won’t go into that just yet.

  She said but I can tell you that this is by far the biggest damned thing you and I have ever tackled.

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said there’s strong evidence indicating that Radish River has been selected as the point of emergence.

  I said as the what?

  Brandy said point of emergence.

  I said well I will be eternally doodledy-ding-donged.

  Brandy said Purdue when you learn what I’m talking about you won’t take it so lightly.

  I said so who’s taking it lightly?

  I said I just realized I’m down to one cigarette.

  15

  …these days if you ain’t crazy you just got to be eccentric…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I walked northward up the narrow sidewalk toward the tiny business district of Radish River.

  I came to a small grassy park.

  I paused and smoked my last beat-up cigarette before continuing on to the Radish River Drug Store.

  I bought a carton of busted Camels.

  On my way out I spotted Suicide Lewisite seated at the soda fountain.

  He was pouring a Super-Kola into an enormous self-satisfied smile.

  He said good-morning Purdue.

  He said I am so happy I could commit suicide.

  I said I wish to make a report.

  Suicide Lewisite slapped me on the back.

  He said way to go in there Purdue.

  He said what do you wish to report?

  I said I wish to report that Zanzibar McStrangle is a gorilla.

  Suicide Lewisite choked on his Super-Kola.

  He said crazy talk always makes me want to commit suicide.

  I said I have just been watching Zanzibar McStrangle in the park.

  I said he is swinging from tree to tree.

  I said he is beating his chest and carrying on in a most gorillalike manner.

  Suicide Lewisite said look Purdue I told you that McStrangle is a trifle eccentric.

  He said once in a while he gets the idea that he is the Scarlet Pimpernel.

  He said at other times he pretends he is Flash Gordon.

  He said now and then it’s Tarzan.

  He said this morning it just happens to be Tarzan.

  I said oh.

  Suicide Lewisite said do you have anything else to report?

  I said one other item.

  I said he’s still wearing his football uniform.

  16

  …if we eliminated all the other months we’d have one hell of a long September…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  On Sunday evening there was a big football rally in the little grassy park.

  The Radish River High School band played “Go You Possumcats” and “Bust Their Rotten Asses Radish River.”

  When the crowd sang “Lombardy Lavender and Peachy Cream Forever” there wasn’t a dry eye in the park.

  Zanzibar McStrangle was made an honorary lifetime citizen of Radish River.

  He was given a standing ovation.

  He responded by flinging a chair into the top branches of an oak tree.

  The fact that the chair was occupied by Mayor Bradford Boone failed to dampen the crowd’s enthusiasm.

  When the rally was over I walked slowly toward Brandy’s house.

  An autumn moon rode high above Radish River and there was a distant smell of burning leaves and I got that September feeling.

  I tried to remember when I had first realized that Old Man Time was on my trail.

  I couldn’t pinpoint it but I was sure of one thing.

  It had happened about the time I met Brandy Alexander.

  17

  …a briefcase is something what is carried by a guy what don’t want the neighbors to know he is a janitor…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  There was a long dark automobile parked in Brandy Alexander’s driveway.

  As I approached I saw a tall slender man leave the car.

  He had a briefcase.

  He carried it to Brandy’s front porch and placed it inside the screen door.

  He started back to the car.

  That was all I needed.

  I’d seen the routine in the movies.

  He planted a bomb.

  I broke into a gallop.

  I cut him off a couple of steps short of his automobile.

  I hit him very hard on the jaw.

  He fell backward.

  Like a tree.

  A redwood tree.

  I heard Brandy’s front door open.

  Brandy’s voice was guardedly subdued.

  She said Sir Lennox?

  I said nope.

  I said Purdue.

  Brandy said oh.

  She said have you met Sir Lennox?

  I said the name fails to ring a bell.

  Brandy came down from the front porch.

  She was wearing her brown robe.

  She looked at the prostrate man.

  She threw her hands to her face.

  She said oh my God.

  She said Purdue you’ve just coldcocked Sir Lennox Nilgood Fiddleduck of Scotland Yard.

  I said oh yeah?

  I said what’s in that goddam briefcase?

  Brandy said vibrations-monitoring information.

  I shrugged.

  I said hell nobody ever tells me anything.

  18

  …television is something what is built by the least-paid for the least-intelligent…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Sir Lennox Nilgood Fiddleduck was an angular darkly handsome man with a deeply resonant voice.

  He sat drinking a steaming cup of tea and rubbing his jaw.

  I said sorry Sir Lennox.

  Sir Lennox grinned a rueful grin.

  He said good show Purdue.

&
nbsp; He glanced at Brandy.

  He said I’m bloody glad he’s on our side.

  Brandy said yes wouldn’t that be nice?

  She said Purdue will it be all right if I run into the bedroom to dress?

  She said I mean you won’t hit Sir Lennox on the head with a piano or anything like that?

  I shrugged.

  I said you ain’t even got no goddam piano.

  Brandy came over and kissed me on the cheek.

  She whispered Purdue don’t be sore.

  I shrugged.

  Brandy excused herself and left the room.

  Sir Lennox produced an old briar pipe.

  He loaded it with coarse dark tobacco.

  He put a match to it.

  It smelled like a six-alarm junkyard fire.

  Sir Lennox leaned back and smiled.

  He said well Purdue the game is afoot.

  I didn’t say anything.

  Sir Lennox said the infamous Doctor Ho Ho Ho is up to his old tricks.

  He said he’s a Chinese fiend incarnate.

  He said he has the intellect of an Einstein and the outlook of a bloody king cobra.

  He said he loves to kill and there’s no limit to his bizarre methods of eradicating human life.

  He said in London he tricked one of our best operatives into visiting a WCTU meeting shortly after the Super-Kola had been spiked with Spanish fly.

  He paled at the recollection.

  He wiped away a tear.

  He said good old Reggie.

  He said in New York he lashed one of your FBI men to a chair in front of a television set.

  He said the poor blighter laughed himself to death.

  I felt a ripple of cold horror run up my spine.

  I said oh good Lord man don’t tell me he was forced to watch the 1972 Democratic National Convention.

  Sir Lennox nodded.

  His voice broke.

  He said every blooming minute of it.

  Both of us shuddered.

  I said frankly I believe our best television programs to be the test patterns.

  Sir Lennox said oh veddy true and you Yanks have cornered the humorous test-pattern market.

  I said I like those patterns with the different colored lines.

  Sir Lennox smiled broadly.