The Reggis Arms Caper Read online

  I hollered fut hoo tree thore.

  The pounding on the ceiling became thunderous.

  Grogan said boy you sure wunnerful guy Frigoo.

  I said hey Hogan less drink toash to gool ode Bessie Rosh.

  Grogan said excellnut sujeshun McFoo.

  We drank a toast to good old Betsy Ross.

  I saw blue lights flashing outside the tavern.

  Cops.

  14

  …the sun goes down…I raise my brimming cup…Forgetting that the sun also comes up…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I found my way up the stairs.

  The rain had stopped.

  The morning sun was popping pinkly out of Lake Michigan.

  Or wherever morning suns pop pinkly out of.

  Betsy was waiting for me.

  She was smiling.

  Betsy smiled every time she saw me.

  I hoped that meant what I hoped it meant.

  Betsy helped me to the kitchen table.

  She poured me a cup of black coffee.

  I spilled it.

  Betsy poured another.

  I said who called the police?

  Betsy said probably somebody in Idaho.

  She said I suppose they thought the Battle of Armageddon was under way.

  I said Betsy if it’s all the same to you I’d like to forget about the Battle of Armageddon.

  Betsy said so would the people in Idaho.

  I said let’s forget about the people in Idaho while we’re at it.

  Betsy said couldn’t you hear me pounding on the floor?

  I said of course I could hear you.

  I said they could have heard you in Idaho.

  Betsy shook her head sadly.

  She said I’m afraid alcoholus patrioticus is contagious.

  She said heaven help us if it reaches epidemic proportions.

  I said Grogan slugged a cop.

  Betsy said who’s Grogan?

  I said he’s the guy who slugged the cop.

  Betsy said was Grogan just a drunk who stumbled in?

  I said well he wasn’t drunk when he stumbled in but he was sure drunk when he stumbled out.

  Betsy said why did he hit a cop?

  I said it had something to do with the Pledge of Allegiance.

  I said the part about one nation indivisible as I recall.

  Betsy said what did Grogan want?

  I shrugged.

  I said I think he forgot to tell me.

  15

  …the Night Before…a virgin filled with laughter…so soon becomes a whore…the Morning After…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I got up at three in the afternoon.

  Wolverines had bivouacked in my mouth.

  My head clanged like a Chinese gong.

  I managed to find the kitchen.

  I made a double bromo.

  I washed it down with a double bromo.

  I took a cold shower and brushed my teeth.

  I had a double bromo.

  I went back to bed.

  I got up at five.

  I went downstairs to relieve Betsy.

  The bar was packed.

  Betsy drew a hell of a trade.

  All male.

  Betsy didn’t flaunt herself.

  She didn’t have to.

  Betsy was sexier by accident than most women are on purpose.

  She smiled at me.

  She pinched my cheek and gave me a once-over.

  She said oh those eyes.

  She said how do you feel?

  I said I feel exactly like I look like I feel.

  Betsy said then you’d better go back to bed for an hour or two.

  I said I already went back to bed for an hour or two.

  I said I’ll hold out if the bromo does.

  Betsy said well holler if you need me.

  She waved good-bye to her admirers.

  They gave her a standing ovation.

  Within five minutes the place was empty.

  16

  …ain’t hardly nobody ever gets a pension from the CIA…you get throwed in jail if you do your job and you get fired if you don’t…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  The December darkness came early and with it more rain.

  Not to mention Old Dad Underwood and Shorty Connors.

  A matter of great import was taken up immediately.

  Love.

  Shorty Connors said when I was seven I fell in love with a schoolteacher.

  He said Miss Strauss.

  He said nothing ever come of it.

  Old Dad Underwood said when I was seventeen a schoolteacher fell in love with me.

  He said Mr. Wilson.

  He said nothing ever come of that either.

  Shorty Connors said love is a sickness all remedies refusing.

  He said Daniel said that.

  Old Dad Underwood said ain’t no damn wonder he wound up in the lions’ den.

  Shorty Connors said I’m talking about Samuel Daniel.

  Old Dad Underwood said I got a hunch they got the wrong Daniel.

  He put a pair of beers on his tab.

  I said that brings your tab to forty dollars and fifteen cents.

  Old Dad Underwood said let me know when she hits fifty.

  Shorty Connors said love is where you find it.

  Old Dad Underwood nodded.

  He said oncet I knowed a feller what fell in love with a twenty-five-gallon crock of creamed turkey.

  Shorty Connors said that ain’t as good as a woman.

  Old Dad Underwood said the hell it ain’t.

  Shorty Connors said but it will go bad.

  Old Dad Underwood said that’s what I mean.

  Shorty Connors said but good Lord man you can’t take a twenty-five-gallon crock of creamed turkey to bed with you.

  Old Dad Underwood said that just shows how much you know.

  I turned the television on.

  Channel 7’s newscasters were giggling.

  An oil tanker had broken in two off the Carolinas.

  Two hundred thousand gallons of oil had fouled the coastline.

  They giggled.

  A nuclear device was missing from the San Diablo Arsenal.

  It was no larger than a box of popcorn but it packed enough wallop to level three states.

  They giggled.

  I turned the television off.

  Those guys frightened the hell out of me.

  I had a double bromo.

  Old Dad Underwood was saying there ain’t but only one sure way of finding out if you are really in love.

  Shorty Connors said tell me quick.

  Old Dad Underwood said take one of them there nuclear physics.

  He said if nothing happens you are in love sure as hell.

  Shorty Connors said love is a circle that doth restless move in the same sweet eternity of love.

  Old Dad Underwood stared at Shorty Connors.

  He said who the hell ever said that?

  Shorty Connors said Herrick.

  He said Herrick died a bachelor.

  Old Dad Underwood said that figgers.

  He said a feller what goes around talking like that would get throwed out of a whorehouse.

  Grogan came in.

  I was glad to see him.

  Just then I’d have been glad to see Godzilla.

  17

  …just ain’t no telling where purple jelly beans come from…my guess is a red jelly bean got together with a blue jelly bean…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Grogan sat at the bar.

  His eyes looked like urine holes in the snow.

  I said we’re out of Comrade Terrorist vodka.

  I said we’re out of Sunnybrook.

  I said we’re damn near out of bromo.

  Grogan said water.

  He said water for the love of God.

  He downed three glasses of ice water.

  He said great jumping thumping
Jesus Christ.

  I shrugged.

  I said you coldcocked a cop.

  Grogan nodded miserably.

  He said a goddam sergeant yet.

  He said it took three calls to Langley to get me off the hook.

  He said that five-hundred-dollar payoff didn’t hurt anything either.

  I said hooray for the red white and blue.

  Grogan said yeah that’s why I’m here.

  Out came the manila envelope.

  Grogan said all right Purdue let’s get at it.

  He said Princess Sonia must be found and mighty goddam quick.

  I shrugged.

  I said I didn’t even know she was missing.

  I said what circus was she with?

  Grogan gave me a hollow-eyed look of reproval.

  He said please Purdue.

  He said we had our circus last night.

  He said this is a deadly serious matter.

  He said we have to locate Sonia and we aren’t even sure what she looks like.

  He said she left Kaleski nearly thirty years ago.

  I said he was probably messing around with another broad.

  Grogan said Purdue for God’s sake Kaleski is a kingdom.

  He said it’s a strategically situated little country that has the world’s only supply of ibiothane.

  I said hell I can get you all you want at the corner drugstore.

  Grogan said ibiothane Purdue not iodine.

  I said I see.

  I said what do they do with this ibiothane?

  Grogan studied his papers.

  He said well for one thing they use it in purple jelly beans.

  I said I don’t like purple jelly beans.

  Grogan said Princess Sonia fled to this country when a Communist takeover of Kaleski seemed inevitable.

  I said I like black jelly beans.

  Grogan said Sonia’s father was King Frondheim III who fell to an assassin’s bullet.

  I said Betsy likes purple jelly beans.

  Grogan said look let’s just drop the goddam jelly beans.

  I shrugged.

  I said it’s all right by me.

  I said it was you who brought the little bastards up.

  Grogan said fortunately Frondheim’s brother Zoono took the throne and turned the Communist threat away.

  He said it’s touch and go over there now.

  He said Zoono is old and failing and the West simply can’t afford to lose influence in Kaleski.

  He said Soviet rockets in Kaleski could play havoc with NATO.

  He said Sonia represents the last rallying symbol for Kaleskian loyalists and we have to produce her.

  I shrugged.

  I said all of which got nothing to do with me.

  I said jelly beans or no jelly beans.

  I said hey did you ever think of running an ad in the Tribune?

  Grogan gave me the sort of look usually reserved for puppies guilty of social errors.

  He said oh sure.

  He said we’ll just say will Princess Sonia of Kaleski please report at once to the nearest CIA office.

  I said that ought to just about cover it.

  I said I think you get a discount if you run it for a week.

  Grogan said Purdue we’re not trying to attract attention.

  He said there are an estimated three hundred KGB operatives looking for Sonia.

  He said you know damn well what happens if they get to her first.

  I shrugged.

  I said that’s probably the end of the purple jelly beans.

  Old Dad Underwood and Shorty Connors went out.

  Grogan watched them go.

  He said who are they?

  I said just neighborhood talent.

  Grogan said I was listening to their conversation last night.

  He said they sound like they could be psychological warfare experts.

  He scratched his chin.

  He said Purdue come to think of it that might not be such a bad field for you.

  18

  …oncet I knowed a feller what thought he was working for the KGB…spent twenty-seven years with GMC before he found out different…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Grogan folded his papers and stuffed them into the manila envelope.

  He banged the bar with an authoritative fist.

  He said Purdue you’re going to find Sonia for us.

  I gave Grogan a long bleak stare.

  I lit a badly bent Camel and blew smoke at the ceiling.

  I said now let’s see if I got it straight.

  I said you’re going to send me out stomping around a country of more than two hundred million people looking for a broad I wouldn’t know from a crock of peanut butter.

  Grogan said Purdue we’re going to make it real easy.

  He said we’re going to bring Sonia to you.

  I said thanks a million Grogan.

  I said I get Sonia with three hundred KGB boys right on her tail.

  Grogan said very unlikely.

  He said Sonia keeps a low profile and she’s foxy.

  He said only one KGB guy ever got within shooting distance of her.

  I said what happened?

  Grogan said he was shot.

  He said she got fifteen into him before he hit the ground and you could have covered them all with a saucer.

  He said there wasn’t a powder burn on the poor bastard.

  He said she had to be using a 9mm Krakenzekrust.

  I said why not a Beretta?

  Grogan said a Beretta holds just seven rounds and this was rapid fire.

  I said it only takes one so why the whole clip?

  Grogan said well this sort of thing is peculiar to a certain type personality.

  He said they aren’t easily ticked off but if somebody throws the switch it’s good morning John I brought your saddle home.

  I said I get the impression she can shoot.

  Grogan said well Purdue you must understand that the Krakenzekrust is far and away the world’s most accurate handgun.

  I said your inference being that it shoots where you point it.

  Grogan said every damn time.

  I interjected a profound silence.

  The beer cooler stopped clanking.

  Grogan said the Krakenzekrust was manufactured in Kaleski by the Gunthorst Works in Blucherwessel.

  He said there were less than twenty made and they were solely for the use of the Kaleskian royal family and its employees.

  He said they’re collectors’ items.

  I said I’ll just bet that made a lot of difference to the KGB man.

  Grogan said I’ve never seen one.

  I said a KGB man?

  Grogan said no a Krakenzekrust.

  He said but we got pictures and specs back at Langley.

  19

  …our battalion crest was a Pabst Blue Ribbon can rampant on a field of Corby’s bottles…they got the idea from a photograph of one of our old bivouac areas.

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I said well Grogan this has been extremely interesting and I simply can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed it.

  I said however I feel that I must explain my position.

  I said my position is that I am not about to jump on the trail of a short-fuse trigger-happy female who can shoot the balls off an amoeba.

  I said it is my considered judgment that you should find yourself a fellow with an outlook more philosophic than my own.

  I said perhaps a guy with four illnesses all of which are terminal.

  Grogan said aw Purdue the guy she killed was from the KGB.

  I said well how is she supposed to know that I’m not from the KGB?

  I said by the time I identified myself I could look like a goddam volleyball net.

  Grogan said we don’t want you to arrest her or strong-arm her.

  He said we just want you to assist in pinpointing her.

  He said I’ll explain.

&
nbsp; I said well take it from the beginning not from the point where she blows my head off.

  Grogan dug into a pocket and came out with a flat metal object.

  He handed it to me and chuckled.

  He said this is what makes it all come out duck soup.

  I looked at it.

  It was a one-inch-square military unit insignia.

  It featured a blue cross and three white eagles on a gold-edged field of red.

  I said this is my old battalion crest.

  I said I got a dozen of them somewhere.

  Grogan leaned back and smiled expansively.

  He said Purdue your battalion crest is the key to the whole business.

  He said Sonia was brought to this country when she was four years old.

  He said she was accompanied by a governess and they dropped out of sight almost instantly.

  I said what about my battalion crest?

  Grogan said be patient.

  He said Sonia’s whereabouts was never a matter of grave concern to our government until very recently.

  He said I must admit that we just lost track of her.

  I said tell me about my battalion crest.

  Grogan said as luck would have it Sonia began sending packages and notes to an aunt in Kaleski.

  He said she didn’t use a return address but we gained access to her letters and we did the best we could with them.

  He said Sonia had met a guy she was nuts about and they were going to be married.

  He said apparently this fellow was a blend of Tarzan and Jesus Christ and Rudolph Valentino.

  I said my battalion crest.

  Grogan said Sonia married her man and she’s deliriously happy.

  I said that’s good.

  I said I like stories with nice endings.

  I said particularly just before I close up and go beddy-bye.

  Grogan said wait a minute.

  He said I want to tell you about your battalion crest.

  20

  …oncet I knowed two IRS fellers what checked each other’s tax returns…now they is cellmates…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Grogan said Sonia sent the battalion crest to her aunt in Kaleski with the suggestion that it be made into some form of personal jewelry.

  I said where did Sonia get the damn thing?

  Grogan leaned forward and clamped my arm with a hand the size of a hay rake.