The Radish River Caper Read online

  I said my God Diddlefuck thass a hundred and thirty peoples in one swell foop.

  32

  …the man who’s worthwhile is the man who can smile when he’s holding a nail for a cross-eyed carpenter…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I met Suicide Lewisite in front of the Radish River Drug Store.

  He was stopping people on the sidewalk.

  He was giving autographs.

  He looked me up and down.

  He said Purdue are you drunk?

  I said well if I ain’t I juss threw away six hours of my life.

  Suicide Lewisite said try to be patient.

  He said I’ll be with you when this big autograph rush is over.

  He blocked the path of a large cross-eyed woman.

  He whipped out his ballpoint pen.

  He said I’d be glad to.

  The large cross-eyed woman said oh God Almighty!

  Suicide Lewisite smiled patiently.

  He said well I wouldn’t go quite that far but I can readily appreciate your worshipful attitude.

  The large cross-eyed woman broke into tears.

  She said oh loving Jesus help me in my moment of need!

  Suicide Lewisite raised his hand.

  He said fret not.

  He said what can I do for thee?

  The large cross-eyed woman said you can get off of my toe you sonofabitch!

  33

  …I ain’t never been drunk…merely a little less sober…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  It was shortly after midnight.

  I sat at Brandy’s kitchen table and stared into my cup of black coffee.

  Brandy hovered over me like a mother eagle.

  She said Sir Lennox how did you find him?

  Sir Lennox looked at the floor.

  He said well bloody damned drunk if you must know.

  He looked at me.

  He said no offense Purdue.

  I shrugged.

  I said fax are fax Fizzledick.

  Brandy said where was he?

  Sir Lennox said he was sitting on one of those chalk lines in the Radish River football stadium.

  He said he was bellowing “God Save the Bloody Queen” at the top of his blooming lungs.

  I said I beg your parn.

  I said wass “Gol Bess America.”

  Sir Lennox said oh yes “God Bless America.”

  He said my error Purdue.

  Brandy said was he alone?

  Sir Lennox nodded.

  I said point of order.

  I said wass not alone.

  I said wass with bottle Old Anchor Chain.

  Sir Lennox glanced at his watch.

  He looked up.

  The way you look up when you hear your pilot holler banzai on the intercom.

  He said blimey.

  He said sixteen hours of uninterrupted drinking.

  He said he must have a bloody fine physique.

  Brandy leaned over my chair from the rear.

  She slipped her arms around my neck.

  Her breath was warm on my cheek.

  There was a smile in her voice.

  She said it isn’t bad Sir Lennox it isn’t bad.

  She said Purdue what in God’s name were you doing in the football stadium at that time of night?

  I shrugged.

  I said singing “Gol Bess America” and drinking Old Anchor Chain and watching peoples load aerial bombs in goddam scoreboard.

  I said if is anybody’s business.

  I said which I dately grout.

  Sir Lennox smiled.

  He said with all those bloody aerial bombs Radish River must anticipate a complete rout of the Sycamore Center football squad.

  I said well what the hell else?

  I said they got a goddam five hundred goddam pound goddam gorilla playing goddam tackle.

  Brandy lit a pair of cigarettes and handed one to me.

  Then she doubled up laughing.

  She laughed until tears came.

  She dried her eyes.

  She said Purdue forgive me.

  She said you’re just too sweet for words.

  She said I’ve never seen you drunk before.

  I shrugged.

  I said well it ain’t really no goddam big thing.

  I said it juss got to run second to Hailey’s Comet.

  I was feeling much better.

  I mentioned this to Brandy.

  I said I’m feeling much better.

  Brandy stood patting me on the shoulder.

  Soothingly.

  She said Sir Lennox do we have time to go uptown for a drink?

  I said well by God what a hell of an idea.

  Sir Lennox said yes the local pub doesn’t close until two o’clock.

  I said I don’t know what time it closes but I know what time it opens.

  I said less get rolling.

  Brandy said Purdue you’re going beddy-bye.

  I said what am I a goddam outcast?

  I said hell I ain’t had leprosy in over a month.

  Brandy took my hand.

  She pulled me to my feet.

  She said big guy you’re wonderful.

  She said I love you till I can hardly stand it.

  She said now you’re going to bed.

  I shrugged.

  I said when will you be back?

  Brandy ran her fingers back and forth through my crew cut and her tongue back and forth along my lips.

  She said baby you’ll be the very first to know.

  34

  Consider now that bitter tale

  About the missing horseshoe nail

  What brought about a kingdom’s fall

  Which matters not to me at all

  Because I never ride a horse

  And this means that I walk of course

  And I’m reminded when I walk

  I got a hole in my left sock…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I heard Brandy come in.

  I felt her sit on the edge of the bed.

  I lifted the pillow from my head.

  I opened one eye.

  Radish River Friday sunshine was blasting into the room like a rocket attack.

  I looked at Brandy’s tiny alarm dock.

  It sounded like a pile driver.

  It said ten minutes after twelve.

  I put the pillow back on my head.

  Brandy took it off.

  She was wearing her brown robe.

  There was a white ribbon in her thick dark wavy hair.

  She smiled her wonderfully warm smile.

  In her soft husky-sweet voice she said good-morning.

  She said almost.

  I said you’re beautiful.

  I said go away.

  Brandy said Purdue I’ll never go away.

  She said not for very long.

  I said that’s how it seems to be working out.

  Brandy said how do you feel?

  I shrugged.

  I said if I told you how I feel I’d spoil your day.

  I said I thought you were going to wake me up when you came in last night.

  Brandy said last night you would have slept through the Battle of Midway.

  I said ah ha!

  I said that explains it.

  I said I swallowed an aircraft carrier.

  Brandy said besides I didn’t get in until nearly dawn.

  I said you and Sir Lennox must have been doing some serious drinking.

  Brandy said no I got rid of Sir Lennox in a hurry.

  She said he travels the fastest who travels alone.

  She said Kipling.

  I said Tinker to Evers to Chance.

  I said Adams.

  Brandy said John or John Quincy?

  I shrugged.

  Brandy said get up and come into the kitchen for coffee.

  She said I want to talk to you about the situation in Radish River.

  She said this little town
is coming to a boil.

  She said by kickoff time tomorrow night the lid may blow off.

  I said Radish River never had a lid.

  I said we should go home and let Doctor Ho Ho Ho have it.

  Brandy said Purdue Radish River is like the horseshoe nail.

  She said if we lose it the kingdom goes down the drain.

  I said yeah how did that go?

  Brandy said no matter.

  I said for want of a nail the shoe was lost.

  Brandy said yes.

  She said Purdue we aren’t whipped yet.

  I said for want of a shoe the horse was lost.

  Brandy said I’m going to play a long shot.

  I said this wasn’t a racehorse Brandy.

  I said it was a horse that carried a rider to battle.

  Brandy said perhaps we can still turn the tables on Ho Ho Ho.

  I said they lost the battle on account of this rider didn’t show up.

  I said he couldn’t get there without his horse you see.

  Brandy nodded.

  She said Purdue you’ll never learn will you?

  She reached for the belt of her robe.

  I sat up.

  I said look Brandy why don’t we go into the kitchen and have coffee?

  I said I’m anxious to hear about the situation in Radish River.

  35

  …1919 was a bad year…President Wilson had a stroke and there was a big flu epidemic and they had a hurricane in Florida and a tornado in Minnesota and a volcano blowed up in Java and Zapata got ambushed in Mexico and the Sox throwed the Series to Cincinnati and the 18th Amendment got passed and my mother-in-law showed up for Thanksgiving dinner…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Brandy poured my third cup of scalding black coffee.

  She said Purdue will you believe me when I tell you that Doctor Ho Ho Ho is reportedly two hundred years old?

  I shrugged.

  I said I didn’t know that they’ve been making yogurt that long.

  Brandy said where Doctor Ho Ho Ho is there has always been big trouble.

  She said he doesn’t care who wins just so long as there’s enough misery to go around.

  She said among global leaders Ho Ho Ho is referred to as The Fifth Horseman.

  I shrugged.

  I said maybe he’s the guy who lost that horseshoe nail.

  Brandy said Ho Ho Ho’s list of catastrophic credits is downright mind-bending.

  She said he started the Boxer War in 1900 and the Russo-Japanese conflict in 1904.

  She said he arranged for an iceberg to foul the route of the Titanic in 1912 and he was responsible for the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in 1914.

  She said it was Ho Ho Ho who really sank the Lusitania in 1915.

  She said it was Ho Ho Ho who persuaded Germany to invade Russia and Japan to attack Pearl Harbor in 1941.

  She said four wars between Israel and the Arab nations have been attributed to Ho Ho Ho and the Cuban missile crisis was a direct result of his manipulations.

  She said throw in a few thousand fires and floods and explosions and epidemics and you’ll have a small fraction of Doctor Ho Ho Ho’s deadly enterprises.

  I shrugged.

  I said I got a hunch that the sonofabitch has been messing around with the Chicago White Sox.

  Brandy smiled.

  She said no Purdue.

  She said not since 1919.

  36

  …the big difference between radios and television sets is all the radios should get dumped in the Atlantic Ocean and the television sets should get dumped in the Pacific…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I finished my coffee and stood up.

  I said so what’s on the docket for this afternoon?

  Brandy said you just mosey up to town and nose around.

  I said where will you be?

  Brandy said Purdue I’m going to make a move.

  She said we’ve sat on our hands long enough.

  She said I’m going to put Hepzibah Dodd away for a time.

  She said I’m going to become the old gal’s grand-daughter who has dropped in from out of town.

  She said the Radish River Radio and Television Shop has a For Sale sign in its window.

  She said I’m going to buy it and try to parlay it into the grand finale of Doctor Ho Ho Ho’s career.

  37

  …the Royal Bengal Lancers got disbanded just as soon as they got done lancing all them Royal Bengals…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  I went into the little tavern at the south end of Radish River.

  Both of its big plate-glass windows had been broken.

  The bartender looked up.

  He said oh my God.

  He said you again.

  He said ain’t you made it home yet?

  I shrugged.

  I said I must have.

  I said I’m wearing different colored socks.

  He said I just noticed that.

  He said one’s black.

  He said the other one’s sort of pink.

  He said with hair yet.

  I shrugged.

  I said look pal nobody’s perfect.

  He said I got to admit you made a very big impression in here yesterday morning.

  I said doing what?

  He said reciting “Barbara Fritchie” and singing “America the Beautiful.”

  He said also conducting two hours of close-order drill.

  I said for who?

  He said well let’s see now.

  He said there was me and Lefty Bates and Ebenezer Roberts and the beer truck driver and two nuns from St. Rockne’s Church.

  I said I didn’t know that nuns hung out in taverns.

  He said they don’t.

  He said they just happened to be passing by.

  I shrugged.

  I said how did it go?

  He said oh it went just great until you marched the whole damn platoon out through that right-hand plate-glass window.

  I said well that don’t explain what happened to the left-hand window.

  He said that got busted when you marched us back in.

  I said I see.

  I said thanks for not getting me locked up.

  He said oh I would of got you locked up in a hurry only I couldn’t locate the chief of police.

  He said what the hell do you do for a living?

  He said besides conducting close-order drills.

  I said I’m a writer for a sports rag.

  He said what’s its name?

  I said Sports Rag.

  He said oh yeah Sports Rag.

  He said I got a subscription.

  I said what’s happening in town?

  He said well the mayor just issued a proclamation.

  He said he’s granting amnesty to everybody in the Radish River jail effective eight o’clock tomorrow morning.

  He said if there’s any more trouble he’ll get the governor to mobilize the 000th Field Artillery.

  I said the hooth?

  He said the 000th Field Artillery is our local National Guard unit.

  He said it ain’t exactly the Royal Bengal Lancers but it’s all we got.

  I said where was it during the war?

  He said well fifty percent of it was AWOL.

  He said fifty-five percent of it was on a sick call.

  I said where did that extra five percent come from?

  He said probably the replacement depot.

  38

  …the trouble with tight slacks is the women what can’t wear ’em does and the women what can don’t…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  About four in the afternoon a beautifully assembled young lady strolled into the tavern.

  She wore smoked glasses with saucer-sized lenses.

  Her bosom strained impatiently against the glistening satin of her baby-blue blouse.

  Her navy-blue knit slacks looked like they’d been applied with an a
irbrush.

  She sat at the far end of the bar.

  The bartender nearly bowed a tendon getting to her.

  They talked for a couple of minutes.

  He poured her a shot of bourbon with a short glass of water on the side.

  She drank it without making a face.

  She barely touched her water.

  She smiled at me.

  I smiled back.

  I bought her a drink.

  She drank it.

  She bought me a drink.

  I drank it.

  I bought her a drink.

  She stuck the tip of her tongue out at me.

  It was very pink.

  She wiggled it.

  I fell off my barstool.

  She went out.

  The bartender helped me up.

  I said who the hell was that?

  He said that’s the granddaughter of the old broad who owns the football team.

  He said her name is Ophelia Dodd.

  He said she told me that she just bought the Radish River Radio and Television Shop.

  He said she told me that she’ll be entering a chariot in the Annual Radish River Roman Chariot Race.

  39

  …what where and when ain’t never nowhere near as important as how…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  It had begun to rain.

  It slashed at the windows of the old house and it rumbled on the roof.

  Brandy winked at me.

  She said oh Purdue you dissolute old rake you.

  She said I’ve completely underestimated you.

  I said hey I knew it was you all the time.

  Brandy said how?

  I said your slacks were so tight I recognized the mole on your hip.

  Brandy said it isn’t a mole.

  She said it’s a birthmark.

  I shrugged.

  I said well whatever.

  Brandy said it isn’t on my hip.

  She said it’s on my thigh.

  I shrugged.

  I said well wherever.

  Brandy said Purdue I think you’d better get reacquainted with the terrain.

  She stood and began to unbutton her baby-blue satin blouse.

  She said now.

  I shrugged.

  I said well whenever.

  40

  …any situation what demands the grace of God is already beyond the grace of God…