The Radish River Caper Read online

  I said what’s the spread?

  Wallace said if you go with McStrangle you got to give thirteen points.

  54

  …the world’s most welcome words, I think,

  Are simply these…“Lets have a drink.”…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  Betsy came in about midnight.

  She motioned to Wallace.

  Wallace blushed.

  He came over to us.

  Betsy said thanks for the call.

  She said I thought you should know that your diagnosis was amazingly accurate.

  She said he’s drunk.

  Wallace said well he’s been working on it since eight this morning.

  I said less us all stann an sing “Gol Bess America.”

  I said later I will favor this assemblage with a recital of “Farber Bitchy.”

  Wallace said well at least there ain’t been no close-order drill yet.

  Betsy said cool it Wallace.

  I said wut thoo free hore!

  Wallace said sorry Betsy.

  I said rye the blight mank farsh!

  Betsy said me too.

  I said hattery balt!

  Wallace said oh merciful Christ.

  I said halt you bassers!

  Betsy said ain’t it the truth?

  I said you sumbisshes bare halt!

  Betsy said Chance I’m going to take you home.

  I said fum sucking army.

  Betsy said come on honey let’s go.

  I said I can’t go.

  I said I gonno goddam suitcase.

  Betsy said your suitcase is at home.

  She said a sweet little old lady delivered it an hour ago.

  She said it seems you left it at the bus station.

  I said thass was nice of her.

  Betsy said yes wasn’t it?

  She said I simply can’t imagine how she got our address because there’s never been a tag on your suitcase.

  I said battery attenchut!

  Betsy said she was such an interesting old lady and I believe she said her name was Dodd.

  I said forward harch!

  Betsy said she was very old but she wore lilac perfume and Autumn Rose lipstick.

  I said in cadence count!

  Betsy said I watched her leave and she was driving a silver-gray Porsche.

  I said hut two three four!

  Betsy said hardly the vehicle for a woman so old.

  Betsy said just as she was getting into her car a big man came by and snatched her purse.

  I groaned.

  I said oh that poor bastard.

  Betsy said what was that?

  I said why that dirty bastard.

  Betsy said the old lady caught him in three strides.

  She said she punched him out.

  Betsy whistled.

  She said what footwork.

  Betsy said what a right uppercut.

  She said absolutely remarkable for a woman of her years.

  I said hut two three four!

  Betsy peered at me.

  She said Chance suddenly your diction seems greatly improved.

  I said thut foo hee trore!

  I said ass in preview!

  Betsy said Chance stop it.

  I said time for juss one more lil ole drink here.

  Betsy gave me a pat on the cheek.

  She said huh-uh sweetheart.

  She said you aren’t going to wiggle off the hook this time.

  She said we’re going to discuss that sweet little old lady in the morning.

  She said at great length.

  I didn’t say anything.

  Betsy helped me to my feet.

  She pushed me toward the door.

  She said forward harch!

  She said hut two three four!

  Of all the great wonders God gave us to see

  The greatest by far you will surely agree

  Is the mystical magical alibi tree…

  Its succulent fruit tumbles sweet to the tooth

  A tonic for age and a blessing for youth

  It renders the eater immune to the truth…

  And rogue becomes saint as by Holy Decree

  And wrong becomes right with God’s firm guarantee

  In the shade of the wonderful alibi tree…

  Here in hypocrisy man may abide

  Here he self-justifies…here he may hide

  From the sins he has sinned and the lies he has lied…

  Oh Lord take the lion the lamb and the flea

  Level the mountain and dry up the sea

  But spare if You will Lord the alibi tree…

  Monroe D. Underwood

  More from Ross H. Spencer

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  Sex…violence…booze! This deadly mix will keep you on the edge of your seat in Ross Spencer’s jaded-but-jaunty tale about a hardened cop with nothing but his reputation to lose.

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  The Fedorovich File

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